I’ve learned- that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned- that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned- that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned- that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned- that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.
I’ve learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.
I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I’ve learned- that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned- that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I’ve learned- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned- that you can keep going long after you can’t.
I’ve learned- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the
passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I’ve learned- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned- that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned- that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had
and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned- that you should never tell a
child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more
humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but
people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach
you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I’ve learned- that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned- that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love
each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned- that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned- that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I’ve learned- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you
did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
"I don't have enough experience to trust myself."
"Hey, I'm only a kid."
"I just graduated from high school."
"I'm allowed to make a certain number of errors."
"In college, I'm supposed to experiment."
"Everybody is doing it."
"They'll think I am a jerk if I don't do it."
"If it doesn't hurt anyone else, what's wrong with it?"
"If I ask, I'll look stupid."
Reality # 10
Listen to your instincts. Your instincts and judgment got you this
far-to college. They can take you through college as well. There's a tremendous
freedom that comes with leaving for college. The release from nagging (and
loving) parents, getting to leave your dirty laundry on the floor for weeks
at a time, eating what and when you want, and a raft of other new-found freedoms
are exhilarating. That's the good news.
But the bad news is that you're now responsible for what you do. Remember,
at age 18 you're now not just personally but legally responsible for your
actions. This has great implications. You can vote, but you can also be arrested
and tried as an adult. You can sign for credit cards, but you can be sued
for non-payment. The lists of rights and responsibilities is enormous, and
the choices are all yours to make.
In fact, the idea of independence is all about choices-both good and bad.
I grew up in a poor neighborhood. Most of us had about the same amount of
money (very little) and the same types of choices. Several kids in my old
neighborhood went to jail. Others went on to be professionals and became
quite successful. What made much of the difference were the choices people
made.
Choice is a wide-open proposition, and it is a dilemma for most of us. I
once heard a forensic psychiatrist talk about the criminally insane. As a
psychiatrist at a major psychiatric hospital who had seen over 5,000 criminally
insane patients in his career, he reached the conclusion that doing wrong
is a conscious act. Based on thousands of patient interviews, he had
unequivocally concluded that doing right or wrong was a choice. I'll never
forget the force with which he delivered that point to a group of police
officers, and his follow-up message was clear: Don't spend any time feeling
sorry for those who make such choices when they get arrested.
College is full of choices-some good, some bad. The choices abound: To study
or not; to drink and drive or not; to cheat or not. My message to you is
a takeoff on what the psychiatrist said: Don't do something unless you're
prepared for the consequences of your actions. Or as police officers say,
"Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time."
Survival tips:
Figure out how you make your best decisions. Most people decide either
with their heads or their hearts. "Head" types decide based on the logic
and the arguments for and against doing something much like a lawyer might.
They weigh both sides of an issue and even internally argue both sides of
the issues. Whichever seems the stronger of the two arguments wins. Often
the outcome is much like a court case: one side wins and the other loses.
"Heart" types tend to use their gut as a basis to react to issues. They rely
much more on their basic gut reactions to situations as a barometer. If things
feel right, then this type of person can be assured that chances are good
they're making the right decision. Both head and heart decision makers are
very good at the process if they rely on their distinctive strengths.
Test your decision with those who think differently than you. When
you're about to decide on an issue that's important to you, get some counterpoint
views from people who don't think like you. It's always better to test your
ideas among friends and relatives before you expose your decision to the
scrutiny of the world. Much less painful; much more constructive.
Use the Red-Face test. When faced with the many types and sizes of
decisions you'll likely have to make in college, I highly recommend the red-face
technique. Ask yourself this one basic question: If I did this thing I'm
about to do, and it was reported on the front page of my local newspaper
or put on the evening news, would I be embarrassed? If the answer is
yes…then don't just walk from the situation, run from it. You'll be
glad you did.
Find a sounding board. Everyone needs someone to listen to them. I
once heard that psychiatrists and psychologists get about a 50% cure rate
but that people who have a good friend they can talk to are cured at a rate
over 70%. My memory of those numbers might be off a couple of points, but
the message that the report sent was clear: A good sounding board is vital
to your mental health. Find one.
When you make a bad decision, learn from it. Notice that I said, "when,"
not "if" you make a bad decision. Bad decisions are as much a part of life
as breathing. Most people would "revise" some decisions in their lives, given
the opportunity. The key is not that you make a bad decision here or there,
but that you learn from it. You should mature from the experience.
Conclusion
By now your eyes may be glazed over from all this advice. Make no mistake,
I did not always follow my own advice, nor did most of your parents. So,
if you toss this book in the trashcan and need one piece of advice
to live by, try this. Ask yourself what advice you'd give to younger sisters
or brothers if they were in your place. Then listen to that voice…it's
the voice of objective experience. Hopefully I was able to give some of that
to you. Certainly, your parents have tried to do that as well.
In closing, let me leave you with this simple thumbnail list of Realities:
1. Train early
2. Attend all classes
3. Study the professor
4. Form study groups
5. Establish regular study habits
6. Ask for help
7. Develop a positive attitude
8. Never give up
9. Learn from failure
10.Listen to your instincts
I wish you the best of luck as you find your own path navigating the first
year of college.
Article submitted by Steve Gladis, PhD
If you find this article useful, please share with a friend!
"If you don't succeed, it's not for you."
"I can't do it."
"I got an F on the first test. That's it for me."
"I'm going to join the Army."
"I was not cut out for this."
"I'll never recover from the first semester grades."
"I'm ashamed. That's it. I quit."
"I knew I couldn't do it."
"I never was all that hot on college anyway."
Reality #9
Important lessons are learned from failures.
The most difficult semester for me was my freshman year, first semester.
I had been an honor student in high school. Then came college and pre-med
classes. I found myself on the lower half of the grade scale and decided
to quit school and join the Marines. I even moved my clothes out during winter
break to avoid embarrassing myself with my roommates. During the break, I
met a US Marine who, to my surprise, discouraged me from joining up until
I finished school. He probably was the best college counselor I ever had.
I didn't quit; I learned. I moved my stuff back into the dorm before my roommates
returned, finished out the year, changed my major to English, graduated and
later went into the US Marine Corps as an officer.
My story is not unique. Ask your parents or older friends who have gone to
college, and you'll hear something similar. The message is simple. Hang in
there and learn from the inevitable failures in college and in life. It's
not the failure that's the big deal; it's how you respond and learn from
it. If you keep making the same one over and over again, like the cartoon
of the coyote chasing the roadrunner, then you need to think about a new
planet to live on. Rather, if you learn and grow, that's the essence of this
thing called life.
A conventional piece of wisdom says that most successful business people
fail at least three times in their careers. That's because in order to be
successful, you have to stretch, work outside your comfort zone, and take
risks. Risks are scary but they also provide opportunities. So, if you're
to be successful, you'll be taking risks. Some ventures will fail-the nature
of the beast. Learn and for goodness sake, don't stop taking risks.
Survival Tips:
Learn, don't burn. When you fail, learn from it by asking yourself
why it happened. Was it a scheduling problem or something more fundamental
like your writing or reading skills? The worst thing to do is sit in your
room stewing about the course, the professor, your roommate, or the stars.
Often when faced with a failure, people blame virtually everybody and everything
else rather than face up to the fact that they alone are responsible.
Don't be afraid to change your major. Don't do this lightly or without
consulting people who care, but also don't be afraid to do it if you find
a significant mismatch between you and your major. Remember how most majors
are picked. It's Saturday night, you meet an attractive person and you ask
about his or her major. The rapport is growing. The next day you're an
anthropology major-although yesterday you did not know what it was, and you
could not even spell it. Given this highly analytical selection process,
don't be overly invested in that major. In this case, failure may just be
an intelligent redirection. Don't be afraid to jump from humanities right
into a business management degree; you might regret not making the switch in the future.
Keep a sense of humor. Above all things in college, as in life, keep
your sense of humor and start by laughing at yourself. You'll always have
a good laugh and self-deprecation is great humor for others as well. Failure
can make us all deadly serious, as if our actions would change the course
of generations to come. Get over it. Look at a misstep with humor. Joke about
it, as you learn from it. For your own health, learn to laugh. In fact, many
studies over the years have conclusively demonstrated that laughter is the
best medicine. Rent a bunch of comedies your freshman year. That's the best
way I know to get a quick laugh when I'm not feeling great about a recent
failure.
Great people fail. Great men and women fail. They lose elections,
fall from grace. History is chock full of them. My uncle Joe is a great
businessman who's had a bunch of successes and failures in his life. I think
that's what makes him successful. In fact there's an old saying, "What doesn't
kill you makes you stronger." I believe that to be true in my experience.
You can't please everyone. One sure formula for failure is trying
to please everyone around you. You have to define life and success for yourself.
For some who are physically challenged, success is getting up in the morning
and being able to function independently. For great athletes it might mean
running a four-minute mile. The definition of failure and success varies,
and it's all relative. Keep yourself as the focus when drawing those boundaries.
"It's better to drop a course rather than to risk a low grade."
"I just can't make it."
"No way I'm going to pass this class."
"This guy's the toughest professor I've ever had."
"She'll never give me a passing grade."
"I'm just not as smart as these brains."
"I don't have the background to survive in this course."
"This one's way over my head."
Reality #8
Never give up on a course.
Oftentimes you think you're being smart to cut your losses. But, if you've
followed the other survival tips in this book, then I say never give up.
Chances are better than even that if you've done your best, shown the professor
you care, and all the rest-you will make it through. But I constantly hear
of students wanting to drop courses for various reasons: Fear, self doubt,
laziness, poor scheduling, and others.
The Chinese symbol for crisis has two characters: One means danger and the
other opportunity. This is precisely where students who want to drop a class
stand: on the horns of opposing solutions.
First, let's take danger. Despite your best efforts, you're in a course doing
poorly. Things don't look good despite your best efforts. You're going to
class, doing the work, but your performance in tests and papers is not meeting
your expectations. Your professor is supportive, but no pushover. Looks like
piles and piles of work to pull this one out. Danger with a capital "D" lurks
about. So you think that maybe it's time to drop one.
Second, let's look at opportunity. Most teachers reward those who persevere.
They actually do give (though sometimes invisible) points for effort. Everyone
likes the student who keeps plugging away. I once got a "C" in a college
German class because the professor called me a hard worker and a morale booster-I
was amusing. According to my calculations, I should have gotten a "D," but
I studied hard, hung in there, and entertained the class and professor,
especially with my imitations of both a deep southerner and a Yankee pronouncing
classic German.
Professors almost always curve the grades at the end of the semester, though
many will deny it. The fact is that most teachers can't afford to have two-thirds
of the class do poorly. It doesn't reflect well on the professor's competence.
So, here's my simple advice: Hang in there. Do your best and follow the other
advice in the book. If you do that, you'll survive any course and any professor.
Survival Tips:
Don't be afraid of the professor. Often upperclass students will tell
wild tales about certain professors whose reputations become legendary, even
mythical. Before entering into the classroom, students are many times so
overwhelmed by this reputation that they convince themselves that they can't
possibly score an "A." Despite the stereotypes, most professors are "been
there, done that" types. They have all bombed classes, experimented with
life and its various detractors, and been in exactly the same position you're
in now. Talk to them. Get their advice about whether it's wise for you to
drop or not. Mostly, from my experience, I think they'll tell you to hang
in there. Listen to them
Believe in yourself. Most of life's successes depend on confidence.
In college, you can underline that. If you think you can-you will. If you
think you can't-you won't. The best way to develop self-confidence is to
think of the many things you've accomplished in the past that you might have
had doubts about when you first began. I've found that discussing with students
about the toughest thing they've ever learned, and how they overcame the
fear and doubt, works very well. They begin to see how even learning to drive
a car was daunting at first, but with practice-even a few accidents-they
began to believe in themselves.
Check your assumptions. Sometimes you think, "What's the use? I'm
already flunking." Maybe, maybe not. Get to the professor as soon as possible
and ask how well you're doing. You may be shocked to find out that you're
doing about the same as others in the class even though you think you're
about to be shot at dawn. Don't assume anything.
Benchmark with other students. Benchmarking is what corporations do
all the time to tell how they're doing. They look at the other companies'
products and services and compare their own. Sometimes they find that they're
better, other times they find they're worse. In either case, it helps to
know where you are. Do that with fellow students. You'll often find that
you're doing better than you think. Somehow this kind of check always gave
me courage to plow ahead.
Quitters never win, and winners never quit. I know this sounds like
another bumper sticker, but I believe it. Hanging in there is one of life's
great lessons. There are a lot of ventures that you'll begin in your life
and will want to quit early on, thinking, "I'll never get through this one."
Learn to face that self-doubt bogeyman now because he will not go away.
"I don't have to like a course to do well."
"This course sucks."
"This professor stinks."
"I'm entitled to my opinion."
"I'd rather have a dental filling than go to this class."
"I'm not learning a damned thing in that class."
"This is THE worst class I have ever taken."
"Why me?"
"I'll write letters to friends to occupy my time in class."
Reality #7
Attitude, not ability, will determine your success in college.
Some people will mightily disagree with me on the notion that you must like
something to do well. OK. That's your opinion, and you're entitled to it!
But my experience in a classroom is that students who have an "attitude"
(a negative disposition) toward either the subject or the teacher do not
perform as well as they should.
I have watched this "attitude" phenomenon for years. In fact, it's so prominent
in required courses that you cannot miss it. The school tells students that
they must take English 101 or COMM 101, and students resent it. It's human
nature to rebel when someone says you must do it. In contrast, I find
that in elective courses students have more of an interest and the results
are dramatically different. They participate more in class, read the assignments,
turn in higher quality materials, talk to the teacher more, and generally
are more fun.
Don't think that intelligence (ability) will substitute for a good attitude,
because it will not. Underline NOT. Being bright is a gift that many
people squander because of a bad attitude. The world is chock full of half-baked
geniuses, potential Olympic athletes, and superstar talents that never made
it. Why? Because attitude, not ability, will determine your success.
Think about your own experiences. How many great potential athletes, students,
workers have you seen come down the pike brimming with the ability-the
aptitude-but whose attitude was impoverished? The results are always the
same: Excuses. "I would have, could have, should have." "That damned coach
hates me." "That instructor doesn't like the way I dress." The list goes
on. You've heard it over and over by those who fail to reach their
altitude…usually because of their attitude.
Survival Tips:
Think like an advertiser. In advertising, the first thing the ad must
do is tell the customers how the product or service will benefit them. Otherwise,
it's nearly impossible to sell anything. Therefore, find the benefit to you
by looking at the syllabus and discovering two or three issues that you find
interesting. Focus on those for starters. Other benefits will follow.
Look for long-term, not short-term, benefits. As you begin to look
for benefits, beware of shortsightedness. Students tend to look for instant
gratification-what's in it for me…right this very second in my life.
This will disappoint you because it's difficult to see how Columbus' rationale
for exploration in 1492 has any direct, right-now impact on your life. Rather
than this myopic stance, take the long view to learning. Ask yourself, "What
can history teach me?" "Will understanding the why's help me understand the
what's?" The answer is absolutely…YES. What you learn in college helps
prepare you to think through important issues and apply them to your daily
life.
Act like a baby-sitter. Pretend that you're counseling a younger brother
or sister about a particular class and you sense a negative attitude. You
want to tell them how important such a course is and why it should be taken
seriously. What advice would you give ? I discovered this approach when I
was about 12 years old and was baby-sitting for our neighbor's kids. One
day I started lecturing the kids about picking up their clothes and putting
toys away. As I did, I began to sound like my own parents. Horrors. When
I got home, I immediately cleaned my own room. My mother nearly fainted.
By giving someone else good, solid advice, you teach yourself.
Remember the Tortoise and the Hare. This is a corny story that you
no doubt have heard since you were a child. But it is right on the money.
The two, as you recall, were in a race. The hare should have won hands down,
no sweat. But he took his talent (aptitude) for granted and underestimated
a competitor with great attitude. Attitude beats aptitude every time.
Avoid making negative comments about the course or the professor.
A philosopher once heard a man speaking poorly about another man in public.
The philosopher stopped the speaker and admonished him not to say such damaging
things about another. The speaker asked the philosopher if he was trying
to protect the man who was subject of the negative comments. "No," said the
philosopher calmly, "I was trying to protect you from yourself." Negative
comments about people can become self-destructive. Take this to the bank.
Making and repeating comments begins to program your thinking for good or
bad. When you start down this negative path it's pretty hard to get back.
I've seen students develop an "attitude" and then try to defend it long after
everyone else has seen that it no longer makes sense. Keep your comments
positive-they foster a positive attitude.
"I don't need any help."
"If I keep studying, I'll get it."
"I'm smart, I'll figure it out."
"Only dumb people have tutors."
"What will others think if they know I'm getting tutored?"
"I'm cheating if I get my own private teacher."
"Something must be very wrong if I need that kind of help."
"I never needed to ask for help in the past."
Reality #6
Asking for help is smart, not stupid.
Most people are hung up on the idea of asking for help. From the time we're
born, we are told that the American ethic is self-reliance. Pull your own
weight, row your own boat, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and a host
of other similar sayings pervade our culture.
There's also a notion that if you reach out for help, you'll be labeled as
abnormal, and we all know how important it is to be in the center of the
bell curve. I've always been stunned by the irony of teenagers who strive
for the absolute autonomy and individuality as they separate from their parents,
only to dress, speak, and act precisely as their peers do. They often go
to extraordinary measures not to color outside the careful lines drawn by
their peers. In short, if no one else is being tutored…it's not cool.
I remember when my daughter took statistics in college. She's a bright young
woman who graduated with honors. But statistics nearly drove her nuts. She
began to have that typical self-doubt and her confidence slipped. This is
quite normal, but what she did was not. After consulting with the teacher,
she decided that she needed extra instruction; so, she hired a tutor. She
met with him quite regularly and salvaged her grade through hard work and
determination.
If you still have doubts about the normalcy of tutors, think about Olympic
and professional athletes. Can you possibly imagine any high-caliber athlete
not having a private coach, at least periodically? Most private coaches travel
with their athletes to be close by when trouble arises.
What about the top level musicians? Could you imagine them not having private,
ongoing tutoring or teaching? They must have help to keep them sharp in an
increasingly competitive world.
So, if tutors (coaches and private instructors) are good enough for the very
best competitors in our country, don't you think we all should give them
a try, especially when we're faltering a bit? Besides, many schools even
offer tutoring free of charge.
Survival Tips:
Talk to the professor early in the semester. You'll see this one come
up over and over again because it's one of the best pieces of advice I can
give. Don't wait until you're literally bailing out water from a sinking
ship. Once you see some water seeping in, talk to the captain of the ship.
Early is much better than later, but most students with problems wait too
long to come in. And the first thing I or any other professor will say is,
"Why'd you wait until now?" Many times, when students come in asking how
they can salvage their grades, it's just too late.
Ask for recommendations from the professor. Often the professor will
know who is a good tutor and who is not. Finding the right fit is vital,
and often the professor can recommend the best graduate assistants and even
undergrads who are most suited to help to you.
Go to the student counseling office. Most colleges have a counseling
office that will help you find a tutor. Often they keep databases of tutors
and their fees, and you can usually obtain a printout. Tutors' rates will
vary depending upon their expertise, but at least you'll get an idea of prices.
Most universities have standard fees that tutors should charge; so, even
if you go off campus for a tutor, you'll know the ballpark figures.
Look at tutors as an investment, not an expense. Don't get hung up
on money. Tutors are among the best dollar-for-dollar investments you can
make. Like private coaches, they speed up your recovery from problems and
can provide stress relief. They may cost several hundreds of dollars, but
the relief is worth thousands. However, let me say again: Many schools will
offer free tutoring.
Don't be afraid to change if things don't work out. Remember that
tutors are people who have individual personalities and quirks that you might
find annoying and whose teaching style is not productive for you. If so,
move on to another tutor. Tutors provide a service and when the service is
a liability, cut your losses. If you find this awkward to handle face to
face, do it by e-mail or letter. Often an e-mail or letter with a follow-up
phone call, at most, takes care of a tough situation. But don't continue
to pay for a bad product or service.
Abraham Lincoln never quits.
Born into poverty, Lincoln was
faced with defeat throughout his life. He lost eight elections, twice
failed in business and suffered a nervous breakdown.
He could have
quit many times – but he didn’t and because he didn’t quit, he became
one of the greatest presidents in the United States history.
Here is a sketch of Lincoln’s road to the White House:
1816 His family was forced out of their home. He had to work to support them.
1818 His mother died.
1831 Failed in business.
1832 Ran for state legislature – lost.
1832 Also lost his job – wanted to go to law school but couldn’t get in.
1833
Borrowed some money from a friend to begin a business and by the end of
the year he was bankrupt. He spent the next 17 years of his life paying
off this debt.
1834 Ran for state legislature again – won.
1835 Was engaged to be married, sweetheart died and his heart was broken.
1836 Had a total nervous breakdown and was in bed for six months.
1838 Sought to become speaker of the state legislature – defeated.
1840 Sought to become elector – defeated.
1843 Ran for Congress – lost.
1846 Ran for Congress again – this time he won – went to Washington and did a good job.
1848 Ran for re-election to Congress – lost.
1849 Sought the job of land officer in his home state – rejected.
1854 Ran for Senate of the United States – lost.
1856 Sought the Vice-Presidential nomination at his party’s national convention – get less than 100 votes.
The world is full of myths-common ideas that exist but are not true.
Unfortunately, often such myths rule what we do and dominate our behavior.
Myths can cause disorganized thinking and set up a system of behavior that
is based on misconceptions and doomed to failure.
Let me give you an example of how this works. Consider the teenage girl with
poor self-esteem who has accepted the myth that college is just for "smart
kids". For whatever reasons, she is convinced that she is not smart. Over
time, these attitudes will begin to pervade her thought process, and she
will convince herself of the hopelessness of her situation. Eventually, she
will begin to act in an inferior way, and select unchallenging courses, and
perform poorly in high school. In essence, she will act out the myth-and
fail to go to college.
Such destructive myths come from various sources. Some originate with kids
themselves, either as defense mechanisms to cover for past or future failures
or as ego boosters for successful kids who like the idea of making college
sound difficult. In short, we often don't know the specific sources of myths
or the motivation behind them.
This book does not pretend to be anything more than a guide designed to steer
students away from the Myths and toward the
Realities of how to survive the first year of college.
"I'll study when I get the assignment."
"I'll look like a real nerd if I start studying before we even get assignments."
"Lighten up. This is a long run."
"Chill out. I'll go out and unwind."
"Get serious, I have no idea what the Professor is going to cover."
"Why waste time second guessing?"
"This is the perfect time to get to know everyone-before the workload picks
up."
"College isn't just about studying; the social part may be more important."
Reality #5
Establish regular study habits from the start.
The first semester at any university is one of the most exciting and potentially
one of the most dangerous times in your academic career, for several reasons.
You're away from home, in many cases, for the first time. Free at last to
make your own decisions. That's both the good and bad news. Good news: You
can do anything you want, whenever you want. Bad news: You can do anything
you want, whenever you want. Granted, there are no nagging parental questions:
"Did you get your homework done?" or even worse, "Let me see it." But while
the nagging's gone, so is the pressure and help of oversight.
There's a ton of pressure to get to know everyone, right away. Many roommates,
suitemates, and classmates succumb to this pressure. Eventually, most recognize
that this will not work unless they have nothing else to do.
You may not have anything specific that's due right away. You don't have
a paper or research due for a month or two. So, it's tempting to sit back
and enjoy the extended summer.
Fall is about the nicest season of the year. Cool evenings and warm days-perfect
for picnics, football, or just about anything you can think of. Studying
does not rank up there with the coolest things to do on a beautiful autumn
day.
In fact, you'd be hard pressed to find a single thing about the early part
of your first semester freshman year that makes studying attractive. But
the Reality is that notstarting early may mean
failing later. Stuff just has a way of piling up on you. Here's a typical
scenario: You let a few reading assignments slide and then you put a short
paper or two on hold. Multiply the procrastination by five or six other "minor"
assignments you also let slide and you're talking some serious pileup problems.
And it all sneaks up on you very innocently.
Survival Tips:
Find the time of day you learn best-AM or PM.Most people are either
morning or night people. Determine which one you are and use that time to
do the most important job you have while in school…surviving. To test
whether you're a day or night person, ask yourself these questions: "Do I
like waking up early and getting a start on the day?" If you answer this
"yes," you're likely a morning person. So, set an hour or two every day to
hit the books in the AM. Schedule it ahead of time. Pay the study master
first. If you answer "yes" to the question "Do I get going later in the afternoon
or evening?" then you're most likely a night person; so set aside time in
the evening to study. This gives information the best shot at sticking to
your brain.
Let your friends know that your study time is sacred. While you may
get some grief early on from people, as soon as they know you're serious,
you'll get few, if any, invasions of your study time. People will actually
respect that you say what you mean and mean what you say.
Find a place to study. Dormitories, especially freshman dorms, are
notoriously bad places to study. Understand that and deal with it. Places
like unused classrooms, library carousels, coffee shops, the back of an
auditorium, a car-anywhere away from friends will do. They may hassle you
to see a movie, party, or just hang out. You can do that later. Hit the books
first.
Give yourself a break. Just as scheduling regular study time contributes
to success, so does taking a 5-10 minute break every hour. Rest your eyes,
wash your face…turn off the brain for a few minutes. Then get back to
it. If you find yourself dozing off, stop where you are. Allow yourself to
doze off-sitting up, not lying down. You'll find this "sitting doze" a form
of meditation that increases alertness and concentration.
Just do it. The Nike commercial says: "Just Do It." I say we should
adapt that to academic studies: "Just study it." Establishing the habit right
away is key. The first day you have classes, find a place to study, and keep
going there at your best study time, even when you think you're wasting your
time. The routine of having a regular time and place to review your notes
and read the required material will be more beneficial than you can imagine.
"I can do it myself. "
"Self-reliance. That's essential."
"I'll go it alone."
"If you want anything done right, do it yourself."
"If I get any help, it's like cheating."
"Me, I can trust. Others, I'm not so sure."
"If I do it, I know I can depend on it."
"Independence is a virtue."
"I'll pull myself up by my own bootstraps."
Reality #4
Form study groups to survive.
To illustrate to my classes how groups almost always outperform individuals,
I ask one student to randomly choose a letter of the alphabet. Let's say
the letter chosen is "S." Then I ask three people to leave the room and work
together to come up with names of singers whose last names begin with "S."
The rest of the class works independently. I predict that the group of three
outside the room will outperform anyone left in the class. Guess what? I
always win because, in fact, the small group outperforms any individual in
the class by almost 3 to 1.
There has been a significant amount of communications research done on small
group performance. Small groups consist of 3-5 people convened to focus on
an issue. Groups of two, dyads, lack the power of groups of three or more.
On the other hand, groups of 5 or more become unwieldy.
Small groups out-perform individuals because:
Small Groups generate more options while brainstorming. This
process fosters many ideas to be generated as quickly as possible.
Small Groups can better evaluate ideas. Groups correct
misinformation, bias, erroneous assumptions, and the like.
Group decisions enhance harmony. They are essential where there
is buy-in required after the session, such as choosing a correct solution
that all must live with after the decision is made.
Small groups will almost always win. However, in an emergency
where you need a quick decision, you're probably better off making a decision
yourself. In that case, groups might slow the process down to the point that
the decision is too late. Also, in cases where expertise counts and you have
an expert, then often the expert will out-perform the group.
But if you're studying a subject and need encouragement, support, feedback,
clarification, and help, you can't beat the power of a small, dedicated group
focused on mastering the task.
Survival Tips:
Form study groups after the first few classes. Wait and see who the
reliable students are before you join a group. Jumping in too soon might
mean ending up with a less productive group. Be particularly observant about
who does the homework, knows the answers, and seems to have a genuine interest
in the class before you decide to form a study group.
Keep the group number to a handful and make it diverse. A group of
3-5 people is ideal. Two people are better than one, but 3-5 are much better
than two. Groups of more than five make it too difficult to get together
or make decisions. Also, vary the group by both gender and race because the
diversity will make for a richer decision-making process.
Vary personality types and include the professor's type. What you
want to avoid is having everyone in the group with the same personality type.
If possible, try to have a person or two in the group with a personality
similar to that of the professor. By having different personality styles
in it, the small group becomes a more diverse critical test audience to use
before launching new ideas.
Meet at a regular time and place. Setting both a time and place will
ensure, above all else, that people will have something ready for the meeting.
It's much like telling someone you'll go for a walk or meet them for lunch.
You'll tend to do it if you've agreed on a time and place. Putting a study
group in your schedule is the best way to make certain that you'll study.
Block out your schedule and set your priorities.
Be persistent. Don't give up on the group. If at first you don't
succeed-try, try again. Groups need to get comfortable with themselves. They
need to establish trust and confidence. That comes only with time. Don't
give up at the first sign of problems. Work through them with candor and
caring for every member in the group. And always keep the objective in mind:
To understand, to learn, and to help each other through the course.
"Only the subject material matters."
"The subject is the only lesson I have to learn."
"Teachers are all alike."
"Keep focused on the objectives and the rest will fall into place."
"Who gives a damn what she thinks."
"Screw him. I do my work and that's all that counts."
"She's not my boss; she's just a teacher."
"I'll do what I want, when I want."
"It's a free country."
Reality # 3
Study the professor as well as the subject.
Let's begin with two simple, but important truths: First, people are different;
and, second, professors are people. Try never to forget these two truths
as you go through your first year of college.
Take the first truth: People are different. You know intuitively that this
is accurate if you've ever had a family, friends, or more to the point,
roommates. I'll use roommates as an example. In August prior to the start
of your first year, seemingly normal people suddenly invade your life and
turn into monsters within a month, a week, and in some cases, a day.
Let's examine just a few ways that people are different. Some people are
shy and quiet. They like being alone or only with one or two good friends.
They enjoy, even revel, in their privacy. They actually recharge their personal
energy when alone. On the other hand, other people are gregarious and enjoy
being with people. They hate quiet and dislike being alone. Being around
people recharges their energy level, and the more people the better. But,
put a gregarious sort with a privacy lover as roommates, and sparks may fly.
Next, let me talk about people who are what I call get-it-done-now people.
They love making to-do lists and scratching things off them. They were born
to organize the world. While you're out at the library, they rearrange the
room. They're human alarm clocks and must be early by an hour for everything.
On the other hand, there is the hey-what's-the-rush people. Time is for them
a relative measure. They use a sundial for a watch if they even own a watch.
They don't mind being late as long as they're having fun. Surprise, fun,
chill-out are their favorite words-words that can drive the more workaholic
get-it-done crowd bananas.
So far we have not even talked about all the other variables like ethnic
backgrounds, multicultural differences, socio-economics, you name it….
Actually, it's a wonder that any two people get along. In fact, the people
we like the best are people who think and act like us. I call this falling
in love with the mirror. This is not healthy because you close yourself off
from a wide world of options and limit your ability to understand others
and effectively operate in our diverse world. Treating people as if they
were all the same, by ignoring their differences and approaching life and
school based on only your preferences, can lead to real personality clashes,
and ultimately disaster.
In short, people are different. Respect it and deal with it.
The second truth: Professors are people. When I was in college, I had no
idea where my professors lived or if they had families or lives outside of
school. For all I knew, they were all locked in a vault each evening and
then unleashed on Monday to feed on us poor students during the day. Not
so.
They too have personalities as well as ethnic, social, economic and political
differences-just like you. Some are shy, others gregarious; some are serious,
others more fun-loving; some are old, others young. The list is very long.
Your task is to adjust to them - not for them to adjust to you. This is not
easy. You are responsible for learning their styles and accommodating to
them, not the reverse.
Above all, remember that people are different and that professors are people.
Survival Tips:
Find out your own personality. Sit down and take an inventory of yourself.
You may not have ever done this before. Figure out your preferences: Things
you like. By inference, the opposite of what you like will likely give you
fits. Consciously knowing your likes and dislikes is a strong start in getting
to know and understand others. Remember that you will tend to like people
almost immediately who share your preferences and values-people just like
you. Be careful that you don't ignore the rest of the world in the process.
Read the syllabus closely for hints. See if there are any significant
hints like: "strong class participation is a must" or "10 points off per
day for a late paper" or "all work must be accompanied by an outline." Each
instruction gives you insight into the person. For example, "strong
participation" indicates a gregarious teacher who values strong social
interaction. The teacher who takes off 10 points per day for late work is
likely a get-it-done-now person.
Talk to other students who have had the professor before. Nothing
beats experience. Interview former students and ask them about the professors,
their likes and dislikes. Become a bit of a researcher. See if their answers
are consistent. For example, if they all tell you the teacher likes documentation
in term papers to be exact, then you know where to place emphasis when you
prepare a paper. If you get consistent information, it's likely to be true.
Ask questions in class. Better to ask up front than have a big surprise
down the line…at your expense. Ask if there is a late penalty, how important
documentation is, and similar questions. Teachers would rather you ask than
assume. If the class is huge and you're a bit embarrassed, then schedule
time for office hours and have your questions ready to go.
Assume all professors are human. It may seem ridiculous and redundant
to have to say this, but so many students see professors as aloof and not
of this world. Like you, they have families, likes, dislikes, good and bad
days. They too pay rent, buy groceries and lose loved ones. In short, they
have the same daily pressures and issues going on in their lives as you do.
Don't expect that they won't act and react like humans.
"I can afford to skip a class or two."
"I'll get a friend to take notes for me."
"If I leave early, I'll get a jump on the weekend."
"I never get anything out of class when I do go."
"I need the extra sleep much more than the class."
"That jerk doesn't deserve my attendance."
"I'll reward myself for my birthday."
Reality #2
You must attend all classes.
Woody Allen once said, "Showing up is 88% of life.". Let me adapt that for
college: Attendance is 95% of college academic life. If you skip class for
one of a hundred excuses you may fabricate, you lose…every time. Recently
a student came to me with a partial assignment saying that he did not know
about the additional requirement that had been announced in class for the
past two weeks straight. My response was, "Whose fault is that?" No more
discussion. You simply cannot get the information or assignments straight
if you're off playing touch football, catching a movie, or just sleeping
in.
What happens when you miss a class? Several things:
You miss assignments and amendments to assignments. Teachers must
amend projects by the very nature of academics: Information changes, equipment
is not available, or stuff happens. In any case, you have to be there to
get the scoop.
You get behind. Even if someone takes notes for you, you fall behind.
It's tough enough to understand your own notes two or three days after you've
taken them-unless you review them soon after you take them. After a while
you slowly but surely slip so far behind that you'll never catch up. It's
a slippery slope and it's hard to climb back up once you've slid down.
You project an I-don't-give-a-damn attitude to the professor. Trust
me. Professors notice the no-shows and give no breaks to students who skip
class. NONE. Think about it. Professors take their subjects seriously. They
spend years preparing and researching to qualify to teach. And then students
skip class with no more excuse than it was a great day to sleep in or to
get an early start on the weekend. Professors notice the no-shows.
Just the opposite message comes through when you do make it to class. You
show that you're concerned, dedicated, and ready to learn. In fact, it has
been my experience that if a student makes the attempt by being there for
every class, turning in all the assignments, and by calling or stopping by
for extra help-I will go the extra mile or two to help. Most teachers I know
are in the profession to help people. But we can only help those who are
available and willing to meet us halfway.
Survival Tips:
Set a 100/100% show-up goal. Make it your goal to show up to 100%
of your classes 100% of the time. Start off with that fixed in your mind.
Put everything else in second place, right from the first day on campus.
School is your primary job. If you were to miss work every time you thought
it was a nice day or whenever you had a headache, or-you fill in the excuse-think
about how long it would take your boss to fire you. Go for perfect attendance.
It sounds like an elementary school concept, but believe me it's critical.
Communicate with the Professor. Call, e-mail, or send a note with
a friend if you're sick. Sounds kind of goofy? Maybe, but it makes an impression.
Again, it sends an important message: "I care enough to let you know I am
on the injured list, but I'm still on the team." Again, use e-mail, phone,
fax or personal note, but make sure you try.
Ask two people for their notes. This may sound like overkill to you,
but it's not. As I mentioned before, it's hard enough interpreting your own
notes, let alone someone else's. By getting copies from two classmates, you're
more likely to piece together what actually happened.
Double check about assignments or handouts. Be absolutely sure that
you check with two classmates or the professor about any handouts given out
in the class you missed. Also, check on whether any new assignments were
given, or if modifications/clarifications were made. I have found that this
is one area where students constantly fumble. While they get the notes, they
often forget to ask for handouts or special instructions given. Usually,
the result is that you may turn in a project only partially completed and
receive a poor grade.
Audio tape, if permitted.To get 100% recall of a class you missed,
audio taping is the best way. Asking a friend to tape a class you'll miss
is a bit burdensome, but very useful. You (or your friend) must check with
the instructor first. Don't tape without the professor's permission. Some
teachers do not like being taped. Most will not care. By the way, I have
found that taping classes even when you are there, especially for those classes
where you're having trouble, is a great idea. My daughter did that in college
and found that taping supplemented her notes and helped her studying
tremendously. But remember: Always ask permission first.
"I'll get started studying when school starts."
"Hey, I just finished 4 years of high school, and I need a rest."
"I went to a good school. I'm ready for college."
" Summer is for fun, not school."
"I got A's and B's in my college prep courses."
"September is for school, not July."
"Enough already with the studying."
"I need a break or my head will explode."
Reality #1
Start training now, like an athlete.
Can you imagine an athlete who wanted to qualify for the Olympics but absolutely
refused to train for three months before the Olympic trials?
Outrageous.
No one would take such an athlete seriously. However, that's what most students
who graduate from high school do to prepare for the biggest academic event
of their lives thus far: College. They work very hard for four years: Study,
take tests, take PSAT's, take SAT's, even expensive preparation courses.
They take gifted and talented and AP courses, visit and apply to a number
of universities, sweat out the acceptance process, get accepted, and graduate
from high school. Then they promptly quit training for three or four months.
Some students have been known to quit studying when they get accepted to
a college. They take on the I'm-on-board attitude, the
I-don't-have-to-sweat-it-now attitude. Wrong.
Getting in shape and staying in shape is as vital to your academic fitness
as it is to your physical fitness. You can't just turn it off and on like
a switch. A slow and steady pace wins this race.
This is about the toughest suggestion to self impose. It requires the most
personal discipline, and frankly, not all students can or will do this. But
I will guarantee that those who have the fortitude to do so will succeed.
Survival Tips:
Set up regular study hours. By now you may be saying to yourself,
"This guy is nuts if he thinks I'm studying regularly in the summer, when
I didn't even do that during the year." OK. But if you would take even as
little as 1 hour a day and devote it to keeping the blade sharpened, it would
yield great results. In fact, this is a great idea to remember: Small changes
can result in big wins. Look at pro golfers and pro athletes in general.
The person who loses a tournament is not dramatically worse, just a small
fraction, but that makes a huge difference.
Read-choose anything, but read something. There's an ad that occasionally
shows on TV that says, "Reading is fundamental." Remember that ad and act
accordingly. Your reading will determine much of your success or failure
in college. Many students don't enjoy reading; so, they do less and less
of it. Learn to enjoy it, and you'll read more and increase your reading
effectiveness. It's a simple but inevitable, progressive process. Start by
reading whatever you like. I don't care if it's soup labels, comic books,
short stories or cowboy novels: Read. As you read more, your interests will
broaden; the progressive process will happen naturally-trust me.
Start keeping a daily calendar. Poor time management causes some of
the worst problems students have in college. During class discussions my
students always stress this one. Here's the problem: In college you'll have
what seems like loads of time. You may only average 3 or 4 hours of class
a day. So it seems like there's time to burn. Also, it's unstructured time-the
type that slips through your fingers like sand. However, the projects and
homework assigned in college are much more substantial than those in high
school, with virtually no oversight by teachers or parents. The combination
of unstructured time and larger projects proves disastrous for the first-year
students who don't keep a calendar and schedule their work. This problem
is not limited to students in college. In fact, one of the hottest professions
in the workforce is project management. Buy yourself a monthly calendar.
Monthly ones work best because you can "see" one month ahead. Weekly calendars
are too short-sighted. I suggest you practice setting up milestones and timelines
for simple projects this summer. Write them on the calendar. Just get used
to using it before you're in the middle of the first semester wondering how
in the world you'll ever survive.
Write constantly. Runners know that to make it through a race, they
have to develop their wind. Simply put, they have to practice running to
be ready for the race. So it is with writing. If you don't write regularly,
you lose the edge, the confidence, the fluency. Start by keeping a daily
journal. Buy yourself a spiral notebook or my personal favorite, one of those
black-and-white marble covered composition books you used in elementary school.
But begin writing. Start with your random thoughts. What you think about
what's going on around you: Your hopes, fears, and dreams. Like reading,
it does not matter what you write but that you do write regularly. Like reading,
writing is a fundamental of college life. You'll get far more writing assigned
in college than you did in high school. The other effect of keeping a journal
is that if you read what you've written, you'll find it a great way to sort
out where you're headed. Your writing will reveal what's going on inside
your head. Writing can be sounding board, like a friend who listens to your
innermost thoughts. The journal is the best way I know to build up your writing
wind.
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do?
Draw out every cent, of course!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.
Every
morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off,
as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It
carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a
new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you
fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no
going back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow”. You must live in
the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the
utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of one year,ask a student who has failed his final exam.
To realize the value of one month,ask the parent of a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week,ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one day,ask a daily wage laborer who has a large family to feed.
To realize the value of one hour,ask lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute,ask a person who has missed the train, the bus, or a plane.
To realize the value of one second,ask a person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond,ask the person who has won a silver medal at the Olympics.
Treasure
every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it
with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And remember
that time waits for no one.
Sharing with you today is a speech from Dr. Richard Teo, a highly successful and wealthy cosmetic surgen in Singapore.
While at his peak of wealth and health (he exercised a lot to maintain a great body and health, see pictures at the end of this post),
he felt backache out of no-where, then he was diagnosed with stage-4 of
lung cancer, which he could only live a few months left.
In his
speech, he shared his experiences of becoming a really successful surgen
doctor and his realization of what is true happiness in life: not
wealth, not beautiful cars, not beautiful houses, but the sharing,
helping, and caring of family members, friends and people around.
Speech
was delivered on 19-January-2012 at a medical school in Singapore. He
passed away on 18-October-2012 (40 years old, born in 1972). The sound
is not too good so you may have to turn maximum your volume.
Below is a transcript of his talk from the video above.
Hi good
morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with
me. I thought I’ll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I’m a
medical doctor. And I thought I’ll just share some thoughts of my life.
It’s my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you
thinking about how. as you pursue this. embarking on your training to
become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.
Since
young, I am a typical product of today’s society. Relatively successful
product that society requires. From young, I came from a below average
family. I was told by the media. and people around me that happiness is
about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this
mind-set, I’ve always be extremely competitive, since I was young.
Not
only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all
fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies,
needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national
colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I
went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know
that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly
sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a
traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by
NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.
So in the process, I was
given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the
lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring
me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this
is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too
long. And there’s lots of money to be made in the private sector. If
you’re aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic
medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of
staying in institution, it’s time to leave. So I quit my training
halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic… in town, together
with a day surgery centre.
You know the irony is that people do
not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family
physicians. They don’t. They make heroes out of people who are rich and
famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person
have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15
thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So
it’s a no brainer isn’t? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic
physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I’ll
become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It
started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one
month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just
too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one
doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within
the 1st year, we’re already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But
never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand
into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn’t
blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.
So
what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends?
Typically, I’ll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with
spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We’ll
go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We’ll go for car racing. And it was my
life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At
that time, the 458 wasn’t out, it’s just a spider convertible, 430. This
is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So
he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the
silver one.
So what do I do after getting a car? It’s time to buy a
house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land
to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my
life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous.
This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful,
rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how
we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin
Chefs you know.
So I reach a point in life that I got everything
for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That’s me one
year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under
control and reaching the pinnacle.
Well, I was wrong. I didn’t
have everything under control. About last year March, I started to
develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all
the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do
an MRI, to make sure it’s not a slipped disc or anything. And that
evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement
in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it
means, but I couldn’t accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was
still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans
the next day, PET scans – positrons emission scans, they found that
actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like “Whoa where did
that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the
liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally
thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I’ve
reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost
it.
This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it,
every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And
in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told
that even with chemotherapy, that I’ll have about 3-4months at most. Did
my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn’t? I went into
depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.
See
the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the
trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me
happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression.
Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The
thought of. You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no. No, it is not
going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten
months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But
it wasn’t. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was
interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely
care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify
the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me,
happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought
those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn’t, because if it
did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most
down.
You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up.
In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to
do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I
thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do
you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have
difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with
me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way.
They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to
make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have
done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have.
In fact, sometimes even hatred.
Those are what we call objects of
envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own
pride and ego. That didn’t bring any joy to these people, to my friends
and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.
Well, let me
just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I
stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was
strange. Her name is Jennifer, we’re still good friends. And as I walk
along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick
up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you
need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is
she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is
real to her, but to me it’s just a snail. If you can’t get out of the
pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution
isn’t it? What an irony isn’t it?
There I was being trained as a
doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn’t. As
a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the
oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness
death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all
the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press
every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with
their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a
job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take
blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren’t
real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can’t
wait to get home, I do my own stuff.
Was the pain, was the
suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the
medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went
through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a
patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you
ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live
my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how
the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.
Even
as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to
become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.
Inevitably,
all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start
to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can
bring you thousands of dollars, it’s fantastic money. And actually there
is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy,
absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like
myself couldn’t handle it.
Why do I say that? Because when I start
to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the
more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can
was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what
society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed
that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of
income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.
A
lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become
so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what
happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I
can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just
advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even
though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point,
I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are
the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me “hope”. We kind
of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make
money.
Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad
mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We
have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an
advantage, we do it. And that’s what happening right now, medical,
dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral
compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don’t ever have to do it.
Secondly,
a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to
practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can
tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I
can’t wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can’t wait
to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because
there is just so many, and that’s a reality. Because it becomes a job, a
very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the
patient feels back then? No, I don’t. The fears and anxiety and all, do I
truly understand what they are going through? I don’t, not until when
this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our
system.
We’re being trained to be healthcare providers,
professional, and all and yet we don’t know how exactly they feel. I’m
not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don’t think that is
professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their
pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don’t lose
it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your
patient’s shoes.
Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very
real even though it’s not real to you, it’s real to them. So don’t lose
it and you know, right now I’m in the midst of my 5th cycle of my
chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is
one of those things that you don’t wish even your enemies to go through
because it’s just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don’t even
know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even
with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other
cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is
like. But it’s kind of little too late and too little.
You guys
have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so
I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To
understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly
in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not
true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place,
they are easily contented. For all you know they are happier than you
and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally,
physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth,
and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don’t want to
know that they exist.
So do think about it alright, even as you go
on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can
reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a
large difference to them. I’m now at the receiving end so I know how it
feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a
lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a
treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things
happened along the way, that’s why I am still able to talk to you
today.
I’ll just end of with this quote here, it’s from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. “Everyone
knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth
is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things
differently.”
When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped
myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential.
The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we
learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but
it’s the truth, this is what I’m going through.
Don’t let society
tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you’re supposed
to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that
these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about
it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not
according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide
whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a
difference in somebody else’s life. Because true happiness doesn’t come
from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn’t turn out that way.
Dr.
Richard also delivered another speech to a group in a church sharing
the same experiences as above, adding his experience with God: “Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.”
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This is a real life story of engineer John Roebling building the Brooklyn Bridge in New York, USA back in 1870. The bridge was completed in 1883, after 13 years.
Brooklyn Bridge
In 1883, a creative engineer named John Roebling was inspired by an idea to build a spectacular bridge connecting New York with the Long Island. However bridge building experts throughout the world thought that this was an impossible feat and told Roebling to forget the idea. It just could not be done. It was not practical. It had never been done before.
Roebling could not ignore the vision he had in his mind of this bridge. He thought about it all the
A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be. . .grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.
He offered her half, as he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude, why he didn’t even show any gratitude!
She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.
She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.
If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.
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By Valerie Cox in “A Matter of Perspective”
Submitted by Tom “The Colonel” Parker
